life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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