Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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