I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
