there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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