and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize