theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
