I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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