Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
