Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
