she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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