i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize