jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
