What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
