he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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