i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
