oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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