If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
