just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
