this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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