You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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