the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
