Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
