Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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