she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
