I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
