There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
