I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
