"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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