i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
