I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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