Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
