Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
