ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
