Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
