My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
