i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
