Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How does one acquire holy water?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
