Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
do herpes really smell.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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