maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
