I think i sorta joined a cult last night
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
