he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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