My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
