At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
