my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
