i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
