I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
