I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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