hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I want her autograph on my taint
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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