Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
