I hate all girls vehemently.
zippers are such a cool invention
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
