did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
