R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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