Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
