My Higher Power is John Stamos
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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