How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
