remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Why are your pants in the freezer?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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