3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
