Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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