We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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