i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
birth control should be required to get into college
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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